Years We’ll Never Get Back: A Letter to You and to Myself

They say that trauma can last a lifetime. That one can never fully recover from it. You can feel it in the deep pauses - in the empty spaces between thoughts. As you lay your head down on your pillow at night, the unsettling memories pour in like a tidal wave of chaos. It’s familiar - too familiar; a ritualistic practice that takes precedence over the goodness in your life. The deep roots, twisting and turning ever so slowly, eventually taking hold of every positive feeling - squeezing until it’s lifeless. You are never truly an empty vessel, but a being that is full to the brim of guilt and self sabotage. Every glimmer of hope is decimated. Every gentle moment of love, reduced to the speculation of pity. It is a poison and yet we drink. We indulge as it whispers sweet nothings in our ear - our hair on end and our pulse rapid. We are nothing with it… but, we are lost without it. It is but a ball and chain that weighs us down and holds us back. Irrational decisions are made and our prime years are wasted. The cold realization that we have become what we’ve become by the actions of our own two hands is utterly gut-wrenching. Our erratic self-undoing, is a shameful burden. We’ve raveled and unraveled until the delicate fibers are frayed and fragmented. Will our demise be too unbearable to break free from? Will the darkness ever be exposed by the light? Will this be more than just an experience that happened to us, but a testament to the raw and virtuous instinct to overcome?

The years that have passed have been painful and self harming. But, there is a gift in the choice to show up and never give in. Hope is on the horizon and we must use this one life to venture towards it. No matter the choices we’ve made or the thoughts that we’ve unknowingly succumbed to, we are worthy. I emphasize: we were given this path for a reason and we are unquestionably worthy. Be courageous enough to pull yourself out of the tumultuous waters. Be valiant and unwavering in your ability to climb the mountain, despite the interferences.

Life is is but a series of tests. One does not know what one does not know. Interrupt the chaos in your mind with grace and gratitude. Use your incredible strength to start where you are and use what you have. I tell you this: it is never too late to build a stronger foundation for oneself. It is but the very frame of our own mind that we must break down and recreate. Your thoughts do not own you and you are not your past. You are more than the restless personality that you borrowed just to cope. You are the very person that God asks to do the good works and to help others. Yes, you may have to learn how to be more stable, more confident, and headstrong - but you have what it takes to do it. Keep trying, no matter what, because the cost of remaining on the floor and tattered throughout this life is the ultimate one: agonizing regret. Does trauma last a lifetime? Yes. But, we have the incredible capability of choice. The choice to prevail and try life in a different way - a way that we haven’t truly tried yet. A master plan of getting back up after every knockdown with a stronger chin and a daring grin.

We are not finished, we are only just beginning. This is now an awakening and a poetic justice of the self. The years have come and gone, but the important part is that we know how we are in survival mode. We know what life is like at the bottom, so now it is time to look up. We will never go back because that somber territory has been fully explored with no rock left unturned. It’s time to become what you know you needed and it’s time to arise as a purposeful, lionhearted warrior of redemption. You are not what happened to you and you are not defined by the choices you have made. Take a stand against the darkness and lay your head on that same pillow you once cried into knowing that your capabilities go far beyond the hurt. Close your eyes, open your heart, and forgive that version of you. Fill the once unbearable silences with kind words to yourself. Dream big dreams. And if you ever look back, I hope you reflect fondly on the resilient person you have become.

Trauma is only but a tool in this life and I hope to see you use it accordingly.

- Jessica Hashimoto, 2024